When insults from humans just aren't enough.

Both of these electronic devices expressed their displeasure with me in the past year.

I feel shame.



In my defense, this was actually in a car owned by a friend of mine, so, technically, he is the constant failure, whereas I am only a temporary one.



Healthy food doesn't taste as good.

Mr. Shark, what are your thoughts on global overfishing?

Why settle for being a drunk who can't shave, when you could suffer from the Barber's rash and barrel fever?

Getting sick isn't as exciting it used to be. Here are some archaic medical terms with their definitions:


BARBER'S RASH or ITCH- Infection of hair folicles from contaminated razor



BARREL FEVER- Illness due to excessive drinking of alcohol




CANINE MADNESS- Rabies


COMMOTION- Concussion



JAIL FEVER-Typhus-


Typhus is actually one of the less serious things that could happen to you in prison.


KING'S EVIL-Scrofula, a tubercular infection of the throat lymph glands; also sometimes syphilis-

This is also how the royal subjects referred to the king making "number two."



WORM FIT-Convulsions associated with teething, worms, elevated temperature or diarrhea.







OR.....


An overpaid, whiny, temper-tantrum having freakshow.




DELIRIUM TREMENS - Hallucinations due to alcoholism


BRONZE JOHN- Yellow fever.

Movies that could have been adult films, based solely on their title.