It's only a matter of time before Radioactive Great White Sharks kill us all, so I wrote my mayor a letter.

The Farallon Islands are about 20 miles off the coast of San Francisco and are home to a shitload of Great White Sharks.





The elephant seal population attracts a population of well-known Great White Sharks to the islands. In 1970 Farallon biologists witnessed their first shark attack, on a Steller’s sea lion. During the next fifteen years, more than one hundred attacks on seals and sea lions were observed at close range.

The same area was used as a radioactive dumping site for almost 25 years....


Nuclear waste






In the above map the approximate locations of two major nuclear waste dumping sites, according to a 1980 United States Environmental Protection Agency report, are indicated.


From 1946 to 1970, the sea around the Farallones was used as a nuclear dumping site for radioactive waste under the authority of the Atomic Energy Commission at a site known as the Farallon Island Nuclear Waste Dump.



I decided to be proactive about the matter and wrote my mayor a letter.


Hello Mayor Newsom,

Although it may seem like the major problems in this city are our failing economy, terrible school system, and whether or not to allow homo-love, there is a more pressing issue at hand.

As you may or may not know, the Farallon Islands are less than 30 miles from the city of San Francisco.

This area is a favorite for Great White Sharks to mate, and savagely attack sea lions and seals. Over the past few decades, they have become more aggressive and the attacks have increased.

I believe I know why they have become more aggressive. They are mutating into radioactive killing machines.

Apparently, the Farallon Islands were used as a dumping site for radioactive materials for almost 25 years from the 40's until around 1970.

I write this e-mail to you to raise your attention to this issue, as it is only a matter of time before the sharks mutate enough to make landfall and destroy our beautiful city and kill us all.

That being said, as a resident of Ocean Beach, I realize that I am the first line of defense and hereby volunteer to enlist in the "Radioactive Shark Prevention Unit."

We may need some funding for sledge hammers and whatnot, but I am fairly confident that we can be self-sufficient from bake sales, etc.

thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing back from you,

Ben

P.S. I have attached a map of the dump site and a terrifying great white shark for your review.

In this tough economy, it has become necessary to respond to all of those pesky rejection letters.

Dear Sirs:
Thank you for your letter of ________. After careful
consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept
your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I
have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large
number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising
field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all
refusals.

Despite your firms outstanding qualifications and previous
experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection
does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will
initiate employment with your firm immediately.
I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,









I wish I wrote this.